You should have seen it, the look on the mother fuckers face as I pulled the trigger, priceless. I wonder what that feels like? Looking down the barrel of another man’s gun. Searching for a pair of eyes to stair into, but only finding a blank white face, with a thin, big, red… smile. HMMMMMMMMMMM… in that moment I looked into his eyes as they search for mine, not paying attention to the dozens of guns drawn on me, it wasn’t about them, it was about me and him. He was a contract and one that I had wished I never taken. You see I was contracted by FIREWALL, along with a group of bumbling fucking idiots. We have an Uplift Octopus Doctor, who is just as crazy if not crazier then I. Then we have an illiterate fucking LOST trying to pass himself off as a normal individual, but let’s face it we all know he talks to the voices in his head. I see him do it, it amuses me, watching him interact with his muse, himself, and the voices.
PRICELESS. And finally we have a filthy, insignificant, piece of shit spy, who can’t do anything, except get himself killed. In fact that’s the only thing they seem to be able to do, FUCKING ROLL OVER AND DIE!!!!!!! Anyway where were we, oh right, my group and I were contracted to find this individual Joesph, Joe Schmo, Joe Who Gives A FUCK, whatever his name was I didn’t care. I let my RAG TAG GROUP OF CRACK POT PI’S, to handle him, I had a contract to make good on. So there I was looking into the eyes of this man, with dozens of goons pointing their weapons at me. So I smoothly turn around and strut towards the door. Upon approaching it I turned and fired the spear flag gun at the target, only to miss him and SENDING THE WHOLE FUCKIN’ PLACE TO COASTA RICA. Next thing I know I’m running for my life. After what seems like an eternity of running, I meet up at a pin point one of my “TEAM MATES” dropped for me. I find all of them standing around an individual, who’s name I couldn’t care less about, is telling us where we can find this fuckwad we were sent to find. Once he’s done squawking I shut him up for the moment, and in a failed attempt to remove his stack I… remove his head. One less person between us and FIREWALL, but by the looks on their faces and the shit that’s spewing forth from their mouths, I can tell they don’t understand. And with that we’re off, off to find the wizard, the wonderful wizard of fuckin’ OZ. We travel to the Space Elevator, and I get an update that my contract is in the area, time for round 2. I go my own separate way, I think the group went looking for that guy. I find out where my contract is staying and make a “special house call”. As I walk up to the front desk I remove my mask, shake out my well groomed hair, and flash a fake-ASS smile to the receptionist. I’m looking for so-and-so what room is he staying in? Then the STUPID ASS BITCH says “I can’t give you that information.” I WAS ALL LIKE BITCH GIVE ME THAT MUTHER FUCKIN INFORMATION… NOW!!!!!!!!!! I got what I needed after a little persuasion. I took the elevator up, no need to take the stairs just yet. As I step into the elevator, I notice I’m the only one in it, PERFECT, and with that I once again put one my FACE. DING My floor, I step out and B-line it to my target. Look right, look left, slide in the key card, and slip into the room, making as little noise as possible. CLICK, my heart stops I turn around and what do you know, I get to discover what it feels like to look down the barrel of another man’s gun. I see his mouth move, but I don’t hear anything, nothing, a quiet mummer. I feel my mouth moving saying something in response to what was just spoken to me, but I don’t hear it, my eyes were fixed on his gun. I blink just once and BANG I open my eyes to a brain salad on the wall behind him. I instinctively run over to the body, remove the stack, and walk out the door, my mind on the next task.
RRRRRRRRRIIIIIIINNNNNNGGGGGG NANOBOT SWARM RRRRRRRRRIIIIIIINNNNNNGGGGGG NANOBOT SWARM. What did those dumb fucks do know. UGGGGGHHHHHH guys theirs a nanobot swarm. FFFFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCKKKKKKKKKKKK!!!!!!!!!! Harlequin, get me the Rover, NOW!!!! Yes Boss. Again, for the second time today I find myself running for my fuckin’ life. SCREACH- Next thing I know the rover is skidding up next to me, I hop in and book it, but come to a sudden stop. LOCK DOWN LOCK DOWN LOCK DOWN Great I can’t go anywhere, and I have to out run a nanobot swarm, shit, just my lucky fuckin’ day. I know of only one person to call RING
Mom it’s Mercury
Mom I need you to give me special clearance, I’m in trouble by the Space Elevator. I need your help.
OK Baby, you got it
And With that the rover starts up and again I’m off. Booking it down the BIGGEST FUCKING MOUNTAIN IN THE SOLAR SYSTEM. oh and did I forget the METEOR barring down on me too.
Next thing I remember is painfully reaching for a “WILLY NELSON CIGARETTE”, lighting on the burning embers around me, and thinking “so that’s what it’s like looking down the barrel of anther man’s gun. I could get use to that.”